A Complete Beginner’s Guide to Getting Up in the Morning

Never gotten up in the morning before? Always wanted to try it? Maybe you have tried it, but not been very successful. Well, you’ve come to the right place. Even if you’ve never gotten up from anything at any time in your entire life. Even if you don’t really know exactly what a morning is. That’s okay. Don’t panic. You’ve come to the right place. Just follow along and we’ll have you actually getting up from your actual bed in the actual morning. Ready? Let’s get started.

First, a tiny disclaimer that if you are indeed an actual vampire, please remember that just getting up in the morning doesn’t prevent you from getting burned into a pile of ash when the sunlight hits you. The regular rules still apply. But good for you for for actually trying something new!

Oh, we should also mention that if you are a nocturnal species, then there’s probably a really good evolutionary reason that you don’t get up in the morning naturally. Probably something to do with your ability to find food, sensitivity to light, or predators that might be on the lookout for you during daylight hours. Our lawyers have informed us that we can’t take responsibilty for your starvation, sunburn, or being eaten alive. I’m sorry. That’s just the way it is. But keep your wits about and I’m sure you’ll be just fine.

One last disclaimer for teenagers. If you decide to try this, please — please be careful. It is generally believed that teenagers getting up in the morning, may inadvertently cause parents to have unreasonable expectations and/or heart attacks. Also, one expert in the field has some evidence that hell may actually freeze over.

Everyone else should probably be just fine. Perhaps a little tired. Maybe irritable or irrationally upset with almost everything and everyone, but generally fine. Still, it is probably a good idea to make sure that all firearms are unloaded and stored in a safe place. And if you happen to be the President with access to the nuclear launch codes, you should may want to let the Joint Chiefs know that it might be a good idea to ignore you tomorrow morning if you happen to ask them to initiate a first strike.

Also, while we understand that, yes, it it technically always morning somewhere, we encourage you to use you use your own time zone to schedule your getting up. Anything else is basically cheating and you’re really only short-changing yourself.

Now. Get prepared. Set and alarm. Technically, you only have to set it to some time before noon, but why not dive right into the deep end. Try nine A.M. Maybe even eight or seven. If you’re a real over-achiever, you’ll go straight for six!

Got that all set up? Ok. Put the list of steps below somewhere easily accessible from your bed. Maybe next to the on your nightstand, pinned to your pajamas, or maybe on a post-it stuck right on your forehead. Then when your alarm goes off simply do everything on the lsit and you’re sure to succeed.

  1. Get out of bed.

So, how did you do? If you successfully got up in the morning, then you should congratulate youself on a job well done! We know how much effort that took. We’re sure you’re probably wiped out. So, reward yourself and go take a nap.

Categorized as satire

By Del Putnam

I just keep pushing the buttons until good things happen.